Interior of a hardware store, Dudley behind the counter. Enter Peter, in long mac, looking decidedly unsavoury:
COOK: Hello, I’d like to buy one of those squirty things if you have one.
MOORE: Exactly what kind of squirty thing were you looking for, sir?
COOK: Well, it’s about six inches long…
MOORE: Paint spray? Aerosol?
COOK: …pink, and you hold it in your hand. Oh, what’s it called, it’s on the tip of my tongue… a cock, that’s it, a cock.
MOORE: I beg your pardon?
COOK: That’s it, a pink, squirty cock. Fits in your trousers. The man next door’s got one. I’ve seen him out in the garden watering the flowers with it.
MOORE: Ah. You mean a hosepipe, sir.
COOK: You obviously don’t know the man next door. What I’m after is a cock, exactly like the one he’s got. The wife’s been on at me for weeks to get one.
MOORE: Don’t you have one already?
COOK: Seemingly not. I’ve looked in my trousers, but all I found there were the keys to the house and sixty seven new pence in change. Anyway, it’s our anniversary coming up, and I thought I’d surprise the wife with a cock like the one the man next door has got. I have endeavoured to find out the name of the manufacturer, but every time I try to ask him about it he gets most abusive. Only this morning, I sidled up to the garden fence and said ‘psst, where can I get a cock like yours.’ I am unable to tell you his exact reply, other than that it began with the word ‘fuck’ and ended with the word ‘off.’
MOORE: I’m sorry sir, I don’t think I can be of any assistance.
COOK: Perhaps it will help if I describe it? As I mentioned previously, it’s about six inches in length, pink, oh, and it’s telescopic.
MOORE: Telescopic, sir?
COOK: Yes, it extends when you pull on it. I believe it’s called a pump-action mechanism. It fits inside your trousers or your wife. That’s why I’m so keen to get one like the man next door has got, since I happen to know that his is a perfect fit for my wife.
MOORE: Perhaps a marriage guidance counsellor would be more help than a hardware store, sir?
COOK: I’ve asked about getting one on the NHS, but they wouldn’t have any of it. I’ll admit I’ve thought about pinching the man next door’s cock, but he’d be sure to notice. If I could only just sneak it away while he wasn’t using it.
MOORE: Maybe your wife could assist you there, sir? Perhaps she could, er, pinch it for you?
COOK: Ah, but that would spoil the surprise. Imagine her face when she sees I’ve got the man next door’s cock.
MOORE: I’m trying to imagine that, sir.
COOK: So you can’t help me?
MOORE: Well, there might be something I could do for you sir. I happen to have a cock myself exactly like the one you described, and if you give me your address I could deliver it to your wife personally.
COOK: Would you do that? How very kind.
MOORE: My pleasure, sir.
COOK: In that case, I shall give you my name and address. It’s Ernest Cuckold, 69 Detumescence Gardens, Littlehampton.
MOORE: Your wife will get it first thing in the morning, sir.
COOK: Oh dear. You see, I work shifts, and I won’t be in.
MOORE: I don’t think that will be a problem, sir.
COOK: And you’re sure your cock will do the trick? It will surprise her, won’t it?
MOORE: I’m sure it will give every satisfaction, sir.
COOK: Well, that’s absolutely marvellous. In that case, I shall bid you good day.
MOORE: And the same to you, sir.
COOK: Oh, just one more thing before I go. I was wondering…could I possibly have a demonstration?
MOORE: A demonstration, sir?
COOK: Yes. I’d like to see your cock in action. Merely to satisfy my curiosity…
MOORE: Anything to oblige, sir… if you’ll step this way I’ll show you what it can do.
COOK: But that’s the door to the gentlemens’ lavatories…
FADE
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