Alan Partridge

ALAN: And we’ve got Jenny on the line, she’s a mother of five (exaggerated amazement). So, Jenny, five kids…

CALLER: Well, they’ve all flown the nest now, Alan.

ALAN: Fabulous. So (stops himself mid-sentence): Sorry, you, er, you live in a nest?

CALLER: Well, you know, it’s just an expression. ‘Flown the nest.’

ALAN: Yeah, and you know what else it is? It’s a cliché. A cliché-ridden turn of phrase. ‘Flown the nest.’ ‘Building a nest.’ Let’s just get one thing straight: human beings do not build nests. They buy houses, or maybe rent them. If I want a place to live, I don’t go round gathering up twigs and then take them to the nearest tree, or anything like that. I go to the estate agent and ask if they have any houses for sale. I’m not a bird and I do not, repeat not live in a nest.

CALLER: There’s no need to go on about it.

ALAN: It’s not me who’s going on, you brought up the whole nest-based home making simile or metaphor or whatever you want to call it.

CALLER: We’ve all heard about your efforts at nest-building, Alan.

ALAN: What? I mean, what efforts? I just told you, I do not build nests. I, Alan Partridge, do not live in a tree. Well, I suppose, a pear tree possibly if you want to extend the metaphor or whatever it is, but if I did live in a metaphorical pear tree I would have a proper tree house constructed in it, like something off Grand Designs. What I would not do is build a nest. All right?